My muse is getting the better of me tonight.  It’s Friday and I feel tired and ready to sleep.  Yet, when I attempted sleep, a curious memory crept into my head.  A memory that I feel compelled to write about.

It starts with an exercise that my life coach, Gracie had given me the year before.  We were discussing my fear of leaving Minneapolis for an extended trip, and the opposing arguments that were battling for control over that decision.  Her instructions were to first assign an object that represented each of these opposing arguments.  For the first argument, I chose a native mask, similar to the one that my friend Jo had bought for me when he traveled to Bali.  The native mask represented the side of me that wanted an adventure.  It was the voice of risk and adventure.  For the opposing argument, I chose a pair of Khaki pants.  These pants represented my comfortable life where I was gainfully employed and living a stable life.  It was the voice of reason.  Or at least I thought.

Next in the exercise was to visualize a confrontation between the two objects.  Each object has the opportunity to present their truth and convince me why I should listen and side with their reasoning.  The pair of Khaki pants obviously cited the risks of giving up my stable life and regular income.  Compounded with leaving my friends behind and adopting a life that resembles something akin to homelessness, really put some fear in me.  The native mask counteracted these assumptions by reminding me that 1) I could re-acquire all of my belongings when I was ready, 2) It was unlikely that I’d stay homeless and due to my intelligent nature would likely find a job when I returned, and 3) that I had proven to myself time and time again that with traveling, there’s really nothing to worry about.

Lastly in the exercise, the two objects were to “size each other up” and consider establishing some type of common ground between their philosophies.  In the end, we agreed that while both sides looked a little weird and odd to each other but they could both live harmoniously and be non-judgmental towards each other.  And of course, the native mask won out and I skipped town for four months on my grand adventure.

Flash forward 4 months after I return.  I’ve finally landed some work with a small company that I think will offer me some flexibility with my time.  I’m making less than I was before, but I’m also much more relaxed with the people that I’m working with.  Up to accepting this opportunity, I really struggled with interviewing for work. None of the opportunities felt like they were that perfect or interesting to me.  In fact the current opportunity I’ve taken is not perfect either.  I know I shouldn’t expect so much.  But it’s Friday night and I’m lying in bed thinking about the native mask and the khaki pants and realize that the khaki pants don’t even resemble khaki pants anymore.  I’m not even sure they exist.  If they do exist, they’re probably brightly colored with Polynesian hieroglyphs painted all over them.  It’s an indicator.  I don’t feel comfortable dressing up in a business suit that doesn’t represent who I am as a person.  And then trying to create the best impression knowing that I must be careful in how I represent myself.  Talking about taking off for 4 months will only be met with curious looks, glazed over eyes, and worry by the corporate establishment.  It could very well look like someone in khaki pants looking down at me dressed in a native mask and a loin cloth.

It’s interesting when you finally realize that no company is ever going to give you the life that you want.  You need to create that for yourself.  In the interim, I’m trying to surround myself with other people that have scaled back their life and exited the corporate world to work for themselves.  I have projects and passions that I hope to dedicate more time to.  And of course, there’s travel.

There will be other adventures.  With each step on my journey, I hope to do things better and to open myself up more to what this life has in store for me.  It’s an odd feeling returning home.  When you initially return home, nothing feels different.  Everyone and everything around you feels the same.  In fact, you’re so happy to be home, that even you feel very much the same.  And then it hits you, 4 months after you’ve returned home, you realize that nothing is the same.  Like those khaki pants, you’re now unrecognizable.  Your personality and feelings are now brightly colored and painted with the hieroglyphs of the experiences that you’ve experienced along the way.

In the month that I’ve joined CoCo, the Collaborative and Co-Networking space in downtown Minneapolis, I’ve come to realize that I know next to nothing about networking and selling myself for the kinds of opportunities that I’m interested in.  When I started my career, I would send out resumes for full-time opportunities with a cover letter detailing why I thought I was a match for the company, hoping that I said the correct things to get noticed.  Later, after I became a contractor, I’d rely on recruiters for both contracts and later full-time roles.  After 17 years, I’ve found myself disillusioned at the effort I feel I need to make to “fit-in” and be accepted.  My pool of effective recruiters continues to implode on itself as I discover less that provide me with any kind of relevant feedback.  And as my intent has changed from finding a job to finding something I enjoy doing, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I can network properly, I’m more likely to find success in that.

Kelly is a freelance developer for the Agriculture industry that Matt, a fellow confidant working at CoCo, has connected me to.  Kelly’s about my age and has been working in IT for a little longer than I have.  He has found himself in roles, mainly as a Software Developer and at times as Project Manager.  Kelly has been successfully freelancing for over a year now.  After stopping by his solo desk near the back, we both grab our cup of tea and head off to the lounge area to chat.  I’m looking forward to picking Kelly’s brain about how I can better market myself as a freelancer, or contractor for that matter.

We spend the next hour talking about everything ranging from our own personal work histories to networking oneself and finally finishing on a more philosophical note of where Technology is going and where we may find ourselves functioning in that technology space in the next 10 years.

Kelly confirms some of the information that I’ve been given by other individuals.  I need to be more assertive about what I want, and start working with my network more effectively.  To my surprise, he’s found LinkedIn to be much more helpful than I have, although I don’t find myself networking as much as he has on there.  He reaffirms for me that creating a set of business cards that market my skills as an individual will probably be beneficial.  I’m also under the perspective that scrambling to create a portfolio website at this time will not help me much.  Kelly also talked to me about why recruiters post consistently with links to articles on LinkedIn all the time.  While not extremely relevant all the time, the effect it creates is to keep that person “at the top” of the list.  He didn’t suggest that I employ the same mechanism, but that posting on my linked in on a semi-regular basis could help me stay relevant and generate more interest in my skills and needs.

What I found even more helpful is when we talked about when Kelly was just starting to go freelance.  At one point, he says, he rented out a small, shared office space in downtown Minneapolis hoping to be among a more entrepreneurial crowd that he could network with.  Instead, he found himself among divorce lawyers and insurance salesman.  The only positive thing from that experience, he states, is that he could call the aide at the front desk and have copies of documents made.  It’s lonely striking out on your own, and we both agreed that you need people to interact with.  We also agreed that some of the best networking that we’ve encountered came out of the beer networking events hosted by CoCo every week.  I’ve come to realize that I really enjoy the socialization and networking that comes from either having a coffee, tea, or beer with someone.

Of course, the best part of our networking came when Kelly validated everything that I’ve gone through thus far.  Having experienced all the same uneasiness in marketing himself and having so many questions surrounding how to do it correctly, he reassured me that everyone striking out on their own experiences the same fear.  I’ve come to realize the most important thing derived from networking – not feeling alone and stupid.  In the end, Kelly recommended two books for me.

Influence:  The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini
Book Yourself Solid by Michael Port

It’s a good thing that I’m a sponge for books, because I WILL read these books and hopefully be the better for it as far as networking goes.  I’ve also come to realize that networking for me is becoming so much more than finding my next opportunity, but for getting ideas.  With each person I talk to, I get more ideas to play with, or books to read, or a better perspective about things I’ve originally thought were useless or didn’t apply to me.  And while it seems, for the moment, that all I’m following is a trail of breadcrumbs, I am moving in some direction.  I feel positive about that.

Weeks before my friend Lynn left to travel for 6 1/2 weeks, she posed the following question for me as “homework”: “What would you do if you had no fear and money was no object?”  When she first said those words to me, I immediately thought of that Tragedy and Hope video of Alan Watts where he questions “What makes you tick?…”  Five weeks later, having brushed this assignment aside, I believe it’s time to finish this assignment.  Partly because I love dreaming and scheming, but mainly because my posts as of late have been somewhat dark and serious.  And I need to focus on more positive things.

I think for many people, questions like this may be interpreted as having infinite amounts of money.  But, money being no object isn’t about having all the money in the world, it’s about having your basic necessities taken care of.  And after you make that realization, you understand what the question is really about.  It’s really about overcoming fear.  Since many of our hangups are about having insufficient funds to support ourselves, we tend to eliminate dreams before we examine them fully for feasibility.  But once we eliminate that particular fear, we can fully concentrate on dreaming big.  We can fully consider the dreams that cause us the most fear.  And as I’ve always said – “It’s the opportunities that scare you the most that you should pursue.”

So, “what would I do if you had no fear and money was no object?”  Here’s an incomplete list of things that currently come to mind.

• I would do another prolonged trip.  In fact, I already have ideas swirling in my head.  I’m certain that I’m going to go travel again and for a longer amount of time.  I spent only 4 months traveling on this last trip, mainly, to test the waters.  I didn’t know if I’d be able to adapt to being away from home for so long, but I’ve come to realize that long-term travel is really enjoyable and fits me quite nicely.
• I would have many more adventures which include, but are not limited to, the following:  I would go skydiving, learn to fly a plane, go into the depths of Africa on an safari, spend 4 months diving with Wicked Diving out in Southeast Asia, do some Wwoofing on farms throughout the world while practicing my language skills, dive the Great Barrier Reef, take sailing lessons and sail around the Caribbean, learn to play the violin, spend time in the rainforest, take cooking lessons from great chefs around the world, learn Arabic, and do humanitarian work in Africa or Haiti.
• I would be an entrepreneur, focusing on my gifts and ability to create my own art to serve the world somehow.  To create something without focusing on the income is the most pure form of creation that I can imagine.
• To have a small vineyard and create wine.  I’m a bit of a romantic.
• To organize a charity running event.  I’m not interested in races or winners.  I’m only interested in gathering people that enjoy running and would like to donate their time and money towards a good cause while networking with other active runners.
• It’s been a dream of mine for sometime to run a Lighthouse Bed and Breakfast.  I don’t see this as something that I’ll want to pursue until my wanderlust has waned a bit.  I see this as more of an early-retirement venture.
• I would be an influence in a child’s life.  This may take the form of being an active participant in a Big Brothers, Big Sister program, possibly an educational opportunity, or potentially even adopting a child.
• To be a mentor and/or coach other people towards following their dreams, or in the very least to construct a life based on fulfillment, rather than monetary wealth.

So there you have it – my bucket list, not in it’s entirety, of course, but some of the things I dream about on a regular basis.  What would you do if you had no fear and money was not an object?

To say that things have been challenging as of late is an understatement.  I’ve spent the last couple of months slowly easing back into my previous life while at the same time having trepidation of what that life is going to hold for me.  I’ve used IT Recruiters in the past to help me find work, but using them recently has left me feeling incredibly underwhelmed.  I’m already tired of them telling me what I need to say and asking me to “tweak” my resume because they don’t think it will produce an interview.  This is despite the fact that I’ve never had issues with my resume generating interest in the past.

Going to interviews only produces a sinking feeling in my stomach as I walk into the building and feel like an animal being corralled into its future pen.  Even with work environments that are located in trendy downtown buildings, I can still tell within 5 minutes of being there whether I will have anything in common with the people that I work with.  I feel like such an outsider most of the time, knowing that my interests and stories from abroad only produce blank stares and questioning looks.  “You mean, you don’t go home to work on a project or watch TV?”.  How could I possibly convey to these people that I enjoy living my life creatively and trying to experience as many things that this life has to offer and *that* in no way affects my ability to be engaged and successful at work.  Nor does it cloud my ability to produce quality work.  And then when the rejection comes, it tears through me, reminding me that I don’t fit in.  Some days, I wake up with renewed energy and defiance resolving to use that energy to move forward and forge my own path.  And other days, well, I just wake up tired.

So I’ve been a bit melancholy lately while struggling to get moving.  In.  Any.  Direction.  I’ve started to look at volunteer opportunities. A friend from Swing Dancing put me in contact with the Latino Economic Development Center.  It would give me a chance help people in the Spanish community learn English or computers while allowing me work on my already poor Spanish.

And then, out of the blue the other day, another thought struck me.  Maybe I should check out CoCo.  CoCo is a Co-working and collaborative space for independent workers.  You must be a member to use the space.  At first glance, it may remind someone of going to a trendy coffee shop sans the cute barista working behind the counter.  But CoCo provides many networking opportunities for individuals seeking to connect with people in other industries.  The first day I arrived for my tour, I met a young woman striking out on her own.  We provided each other encouragement, understanding exactly where the other person was at in their career.  Returning the next week, I talked in length with the Community Manager about whether it would be worth my time to become a member.  I was almost holding back tears as she validated almost everything I was feeling at the time.  It’s moments like that when you feel like you might be onto something special.  Maybe you’ve found your tribe.  The feeling that you’re not alone and struggle is a common trait among us all.  My first Networking Happy Hour went well, where I was introduced to Matt, a member that has created hist own start-up, and Paul, an independent recruiter.  Matt was a fellow traveler like myself.  Talking with both men at length, I had the feeling that both gentlemen understood my frustrations and challenges.  It’s too soon to tell if CoCo will be part of my growth or not.  But I have hope.

My days are up and down a lot as of late.  Some nights I can’t sleep.  There have been a couple mornings I’ll wake up around 4am, unable to get back to sleep.  I’ll go for a 5 mile run, just to calm myself down.  But then there’s also that feeling of never going back.  That in all my adventures and risks, a seed has been planted.  And while that seed has barely grown into a one-inch stalk with two leaves, there is indeed growth, however small it may be at this point.

I know that I need to keep trying things and putting myself out there.  The rejection is difficult sometimes, but I know I’ll find something….. or hopefully create something of my own.

Before I left on a trip, I had been told that coming back would be an adjustment.  I had heard stories of travelers coming home only to break down and cry while staring at numerous options for one item in the grocery store, seized by an inability to make a decision between all the available choices.

Yet, I’ve had friends come back from long adventures only to restart up their old jobs and move forward with their lives like nothing is different.  At least I’ve made that assumption.  When I returned from my trip, I admit that I felt fine for the most part.  The first time I went to the grocery store, I didn’t have any issues selecting food.  Obviously, I’ve had a much more laid back lifestyle since I’ve returned.  I’ve taken my time looking for a job that will better suit me and hopefully provide me with the ability to lead my life in a more leisurely way.  I’ve been going to the gym and for the most part, I feel like I’m in good health.  So it has led me to believe that I’ve adjusted fine.

That was until this week.  I’ve finally started to notice that I’m having difficulty dealing with some things.  For example, the first month, I didn’t have a car.  Before that, I hadn’t been driving for 4 months.  I’ve since bought an old ’99 Toyota Corolla from a friend of mine and started to drive.  Now, after 5 months of no driving combined with a more leisurely approach to life, I’ve noticed that I drive like my grandmother.  The interstate speed limit around Minneapolis is 60 mph with a minimum limit of 40 mph.  Before my trip, I would typically drive between 65 and 70 mph.  Now, my speed is usually around 45, and sometimes drops below 40.  People on the highway scare the crap out me when they drive up my ass.  Most speed around me, and I’ve caught a couple glances from people like “Who let grandpa have a license to drive.”.  Of course it’s then followed by a shocked expression when they see me driving.

I’m somewhat nervous and anxious lately.  While spending time looking for work has it’s benefits, the thought of going back to a corporate, structured work environment has me feeling a bit dreadful.  The big smile I had plastered to my face after arriving home has been replaced with the numb expression I think I had most of the time before I left on my trip.  I feel tired and overstimulated, even more than before.  I’m not quite sure where to go from here or what to do with my life.  In an effort to give my life some momentum, I’ve started looking into volunteer opportunities.  For the most part, those interviews have left me feeling somewhat excited.

I thought after 2 months back home, that I’d be settled and comfortable, but I’m the opposite.  I left hoping to clear my head, and have found that after my return, my head is full of new options.  Some are exciting and others leave me fearful for my future.  There’s a new found pressure that I sense coming from myself.  A pressure that this time around, I need to do things better, and with more intention to what I really care about in life.  Yet, I know better now that I need to loosen that grip on life as well.

I worry about transitioning the theme of my blog from one that has mostly been exclusively about travel to my original purpose: my adventures and journey on my way to finding myself.  I want to write about the things that are important to me, and the other adventures that I have (not related to travel) that I hope will open up new doors for me.  My blog has lately taken a more serious tone, one that I hope to lighten over the next couple of weeks.

It’s the growing pains of growth, I guess.  Exciting and Scary.  I’m not settled nor am I content, yet.  I fear that I may never be.